Takoma Park Grapples with Pokemon Outbreak
Kate Stewart, the mayor of Takoma Park, is clearly exasperated by the latest outbreak of the Japanese scourge. “We have small children afraid to go to parks, we have illegal fighting and gambling, we have a huge increase in our extermination budget, not to mention the cost of cleaning up Pokeman excrement all over town. This really is Takoma Park’s Hurricane Katrina, or Sharknado or whatever the hell you want to call it. We appealed to Governor Hogan for emergency funding to clean up this mess, but unfortunately the State’s emergency money has already been allocated for drone strikes to take out a chain of ISIS-controlled gelato shops in Silver Spring.” For more details on the Pokemon outbreak, Mayor Stewart directed us to the City’s exterminator Joe Kornblum.
“These invasive species are really just the worst”, said Joe. “In Japan they have their natural enemies like the Japanese Red-Tail fox, the Imperial Eagle and, of course, Team Rocket. Here they just run rampant. And because they’re ‘cute’ suddenly we gots all kinds of amateur pest controllers. They think they can contain this outbreak with a smartphone app? Well, I been in the business 20 years and I can tell you that’s not gonna happen. Trap the big ones and poison the little ones. It works on rats, and these ain’t nothing but oversized rodents. You know pretty soon one of these feel-good hipsters is going to come face-to-face with pack of hungry Charmeleons, and we’ll see who’s exterminating who then!”
Asked where the worst of the local outbreak was located, Joe directed us to Spring Park, which he described as an “anime cesspool.” Down at the park, we could see the outbreak in full progress. Butterfree were sitting in the trees, a Squirtle played in the water, two Koffings hovered over the children’s playground and we glimpsed a Pikachu hiding behind an electric pole. And all around the park young men and women with cell phones, including local Pokemon wrangler Todd Jackson, were doing their best to “catch them all.”
Todd told us that he’d already caught two Jellies, a Koffer and a Pikachu that morning. Asked what he planned to do with them Todd said that his approach was strictly catch and release. “These are beautiful animals man. I just don’t understand how anyone could want to hurt them. Have you ever seen a Butterfree up close? It’s a thing of beauty man.” Asked if he’d been hurt at all Todd told us that he’d been stung by one of the Jellies but, “he really didn’t mean it – you know, it’s just being like totally natural. But you know what’s not natural – people who catch them just to make them fight – check it out man – they do it behind the Giant on Piney Branch Road. It’s disgusting.”
Behind the Giant, a large crowd was gathered. Thirty or Forty people – students skate punks, construction workers and professional looking men and women in suits, all standing in a big circle. In the middle of the circle a Tauros viciously charged a Charizard, goring the Charizard in the lower abdomen. The people screamed in excitement as the Charizard reared back and sent a huge fireball back at the surprised Tauros. The Tauros collapsed and a smell of burnt fur and flame-grilled sirloin wafted across the parking lot.
Money changed hands as bets were settled and the crowd quickly dispersed. The only one who would talk to us was “Bill”, a middle aged taxi driver who refused to let us use his real name. “You know we’re just having some fun here. I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal. This ain’t cock-fights or pitbulls – the Pokemon love this stuff – it’s just like in the wild. And you know they all get fixed up after the battle – they’re too valuable not to.” As Bill rushed off, the smell of rotten manga from the nearby dumpster told a different story.
Similar outbreaks in Wheaton, Del-Ray and Glover Park have taken months to run their course. In those communities extermination, trapping and, most commonly, misguided hipsters, were all brought to bear to root out the imported pest. The most effective method however turned out to be simple ennui. As soon as people became tired of seeing, hearing about, and battling Pokemon, they just seemed to go away on their own. For Mayor Stuart, that time can’t come soon enough. “Takoma Park has enough problems, what with GMO fluoride recently having been found in the local water supply. The sooner these Japanese locusts pack up and leave, the better.”